The Real Pirates of the Kymopoleia (Episode Four Excerpt: Group Therapy)

EXT. DECK- MORNING

BLONDIE

Ok, ok, since this seems to be very hard for you both, maybe everyone else can share what they like about Rush and Brady to give each other some ideas.

BOOT

Rush looks like he’d taste like olives.

RUSH

What?

JINX

I’m choosing to ignore that, someone, anyone, spit it out. Grim, you’ve been quiet.

GRIM

Do not call me out, I am simply observing as your Captain. I will not be participating.

BRADY

And why not? I think you should suffer too.

BLONDIE

It doesn’t hurt, come on Cap't, what’s something you like about Gore?

GRIM

Well. I like… I like his… uh… eyes?

GORE

Screw you.

GRIM

Shut up.

BLONDIE

Hey hey! New rule! While we are in this circle, there will be no negative talk to each other or about ourselves.

BRADY

Here’s an idea, Blondie. Why don’t we all just start beating the shit out of each other until we're too tired to argue.

BLONDIE

Hmm, that might not be a bad idea…

JINX

No! We’re not devolving into chaos. Blondie, please tell me you had something else on the agenda?

BLONDIE

Yes, yes I had a few things but maybe something a little tamer for now. Two truths and a lie? Just some fun and games?

JINX

Sure, yeah that’ll do.

BLONDIE

Let’s see… Zero, why don’t you go? You haven't said much.

ZERO

Oh ok, this is a fun game. Um, I’m missing an eye, I ate a pigeon once, feathers and all, and I have eight toes!

EVERYONE GROWS QUIET.

ZERO

Guess which one is the lie.

BIG ED

The pigeon…?

ZERO

Nope! I have eleven toes!

BRADY

Good God…

BLONDIE

Uh, that was good Zero. Twitch! You haven't said much either.

TWITCH

Damn. Uh, ok so, I had a pet pig as a child, I’ve never broken a bone, and um my favorite color is yellow.

SHEP

Is your favorite color something else?

TWITCH

No, that one’s true. It’s the bone one, I’ve broken all the fingers in my left hand.

BLONDIE

Isn’t this fun? We’re getting to know each other even better! Now… we could try some group meditation, but I know that won’t work.

JINX

Definitely not.

GRIM

Wrap it up Blondie.

BLONDIE

Right, ok. So, I was thinking we could all go around and share something that makes us uncomfortable, something that we wouldn’t want other people to do to us. Or just something that’s happened in your life that you wanna get off your chest. And if someone’s said something that resonated with you, speak up. We can let each other know we’re not alone in our struggles.

THERE'S A BIT OF GRUMBLING.

BLONDIE (CON’T)

Gore, I see you avoiding eye contact, why don’t you start?

GORE

No.

BLONDIE

Just-

GORE

No. I don’t want to connect with any of you. You’re all selfish, idiotic, lunatics, and I would kill myself before putting my life in any of your hands.

THERE'S A BEAT AND THEN PEOPLE START CLAPPING AND CHEERING.

BLONDIE

That was, er, good Gore. Thank you everyone else for uh, responding.

CUT TO:

GORE SITS FOR A CONFESSIONAL.

GORE

I’m here to do my job, earn what I can, and then retire in peace. I don’t mean to make any friends, and I try not to make enemies if I can. These ignorate assholes are gonna be the death of me.

CUT TO:

BACK TO GROUP THARAPY.

BLONDIE

Er, alright, who’s next?

RUSH

You know what, I’m just gonna speak my mind for once.

BRADY

When do you not?

RUSH

Shut up! Do none of you have an ounce of respect for me? I’m getting sick of constantly getting beat on and mocked! What do you need from me to finally treat me like someone true to my status?

RADLY

But, Rush, you’re not of that status any more.

BRADY

Exactly!

GRIM

Rush, you’re just like the rest of us. Now shut up and sit down.

RUSH

No, I won’t! You wanted me to share my feelings, well here they are!

RADLY

Rush, darling, I think you need to-

RUSH

Don’t tell me what to do! God, and you, who’s side are you on anyway? Stop acting like you know what’s best for me. Insufferable-

BIG ED

Hey! Don’t you dare talk to him like that.

TWITCH

Yeah, I wasn’t gonna get involved, but Radly is the sweetest man in the world, and why he stays with someone like you is a wonder.

RUSH

None of you know anything about our relationship!

RADLY

Can I have a word here?! My turn to share my feelings! I’m done with people talking for me! I’m a person too, not some little kid.

RUSH

Carful you don't say something you'll regret-

RADLY

That’s it! Shut up! Shut up! Everyone shut the fuck up! We’re finished! I’m finished with all of you! You!

HE POINTS TO BRADY.

RADLY (CON'T)

You’re reckless and conceited. You may not be as intolerable as he is, but you’re both just as stubborn and selfish. And you!

HE POINTS TO GRIM.

GRIM

Me? What’d I do?

RADLY (CON'T)

Nothing! You never do anything ever! I didn’t know what I expected when joining up with you, but I certainly didn’t think we’d be sitting on our asses all day, twiddling our thumbs, waiting for something! What are we even doing? And you!

HE TURNS TO RUSH.

RADLY (CON'T)

I somehow used to love you, you bastard. You’re the most self centered man I’ve ever met and if you ever try and kiss me again I think I might just vomit. I’m not your little pet to cheer you on all the time. I’m tired of giving and never receiving. I done!

RADLY BRUSHES PAST EVERYONE AND STORMS BELOW DECK. THE CAMERAS ATTEMPT TO FOLLOW HIM.

RADLY

No! Leave me alone! No more interviews!

CUT TO:

JINX CONFESSIONAL.

JINX

I could not tell you what just happened. But I think it’s safe to say we created more problems than solved.

CUT TO:

BACK ON DECK EVERYONE IS SHOUTING AND ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER.

GRIM

Everyone calm down! Jesus Christ!

ZERO IS CRYING, BRADY IS SCREAMING IN RUSH'S FACE AND BIG ED TRIES OT HOLD HER BACK. IT'S CHAOS UNTIL JINX SHOOTS HER PISTOL UP IN THE AIR, EVERYONE FALLS SILENT.

JINX

Everyone shut the hell up and get back to work! This meeting is over! Shep get back here! You’re covering Radly’s shift this afternoon.

CUT TO:

RUSH CONFESSIONAL.

RUSH

Well. I guess I’m a single man now? Who am I kidding, I fucked up bad. Radly was the only one keeping me from being disemboweled on here.

CUT TO:

BACK ON DECK EVERYONE SHUFFLES AROUND BACK TO WHERE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE. GARY STARTS TO SLINK AWAY BUT JINX PULLS HIM ASIDE.

JINX

What the hell is wrong with you?

GRIM

Me?!

JINX

Yes you! You’re the captain, why aren’t you taking charge?

GRIM

I thought you got this covered.

JINX

That’s bullshit. You think your crew is gonna respect you when you just sit there? I have to do everything around here! They might as well make me captain. I’m not sure what happened to you, but all you do anymore is drink and mope around. Our crew is getting bored, and I’m getting sick of your constant whining. Step up and take charge or I will.

GRIM

You are way out of line!

JINX

I think we both know I’m making perfectly valid points. Get your act together. I shouldn’t have to say that.

SHE BRUSHES PAST HIM, LEAVING GRIM STANDING THERE BEWILDERED. HE LOOKS AROUND AT HIS CREW WHO ALL THROWS HIM ANNOYED AND DISAPPROVING GLANCES.

END EPISODE FOUR